The Hitchhiker's Guide to My Ovaries by Kirsten Langston | The Collective by Third Eye Champagne

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to My Ovaries by Kirsten Langston

Written by: Kirsten Langston Published on: September 28, 2021

His reply was, “You have hitchhikers.” Okay. I have hitchhikers, and by that you mean… “Entities that have attached themselves to you.”

I was in a session with Will the Witch Doctor the other day, and I mentioned to him that I thought my whole stomach problem is really due to my dislocated ribs. (No one seems to know how I managed to dislocate them, though my many healthcare practitioners have multiple theories.) 

His reply was, “You have hitchhikers.” 

Okay. I have hitchhikers, and by that you mean…

“Entities that have attached themselves to you.”

You mean to tell me there are things living in my ribs?

As you probably know by now, my first thought was this was bullshit. My next thought was prove it. Of course, there is no way to prove there were hitchhikers. I promise you, as Will bent double over my ribs and pressed his hands so far into my body that I was pretty sure he had gone through my stomach all the way to my spine, nothing—no one—crawled out of my ribs with a sheepish grin, shrugging apologetically. Nothing happened.

And after Will asked, “Who are you? Who were you in your last life? Who will you be in the future?” No one answered. There wasn’t a peep.

I have to say that when he asked those questions, I got the chills.

It freaked me out. The idea of something or several somethings living in my body and pushing my ribs out of whack is not a comforting one.

This is a general question for the population: Why is everything to do with this woo woo stuff so damn creepy? Psychic vampires? Entity attachments? Possession? Negative energy vortexes? Curses?

I know of no other belief system that has so many dangers lurking around every corner. I was raised Catholic, and you know what we had? The Devil. That’s it. End of story. And if you were a good little Catholic and followed the Golden Rule (“do unto others as you would have done to you.”), the Horned One wouldn’t mess with you; in fact, he couldn’t mess with you. He might tempt you to the dark side with whores, money, and too many cupcakes, but I’ll tell you what he wasn’t doing: He wasn’t crawling around, joyriding in people’s ribs.

What do hitchhikers do? Well, once they jump in your body, they can cause general havoc, such as unexplained illnesses, mood swings, and odd behavior.

What the Internet Knows About Spiritual Hitchhikers

I have never heard of an energetic hitchhiker before, so of course, I went to the internet! I learned that a spiritual hitchhiker is an entity that has attached itself to a living body. There’s your basic definition. Everyone can agree on that, but from there the ideas start to spread out a little. 

One website suggested a hitchhiker has to be someone who was formerly living. It’s a ghost that didn’t feel like moving on or couldn’t figure out how to move on (one of the dumber, slower ghosts), so it just jumped into you to go along on your ride. Maybe they were tempted by all the cupcakes.

Another website suggested that people who die in hospitals are usually hitchhikers. They wait around after they’ve died to jump into someone else. Apparently, those of us who have been under anesthesia are highly at risk because when you’re under, “the psychic door is left open.” (Do we not have a built-in alarm system for situations like this?)

A different website said if you go to a bar and drink too much or you do too many drugs, you’re getting jumped by a hitchhiker. BAM! One website even suggested that the hitchhikers you find in bars and pubs used to be alcoholics, and they’re jumping into you because they want another drink. This last possibility I read about is my favorite: A person you love has just died, and they can’t bear to leave you, so they jump inside you. 

What do hitchhikers do? Well, once they jump in, they can cause general havoc, such as unexplained illnesses, mood swings, and odd behavior. They can also, if they’re feeling saucy, try to take the wheel and start driving for a while, causing a state of semi-possession. (Sidebar: You should see some of these possession websites. Guys, if what I read on the Internet is true, and of course, it is, half the world is currently possessed.)

What do they want? Cupcakes. (We already knew this.) They want to be alive, and apparently, they don’t understand they have to get their own place. They want to drink if you pick them up in a pub. They are confused and don’t know where to go. (Go into the Light, bro; everyone knows that.) Sometimes they love you and don’t want to leave you; instead of floating around you in a pretty, nebulous cloud, they jump inside. Other than this, they don’t do much or want much.

Is there ANY evidence that these things exist? Hell no.

No, of course, there isn’t. Does that mean they don’t exist? No, of course, it doesn’t. But what is the likelihood that they do exist? Anything is possible, as we know, and perhaps there are a few real isolated cases of an entity playing Grand Theft Auto in your stomach, making your tummy oh so rumbly. But, as for this lady, I don’t believe it. For me to believe it, I would need some kind of measurable before and after proof. It has been two weeks since I saw the Will the Witch Doctor, and my ribs are still dislocated with not all that much improvement.

Signs You Might Have a Hitchhiker

In case you are still worried that you might have a host of drunk ghosts and dead relatives living in your nether regions, here are the top ten symptoms that you have a hitchhiker:

1. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.

2. Nightmares or dreams that have nothing to do with you or where you are not yourself.

3. A feeling of having fleas or lice in your hair, without actually having fleas or lice. (The technical term for this is phantom lice.)

4. Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, addiction, and/or aggressive/angry behavior.

5. Having a prickly sensation in your legs, arms, feet, and hands.

6. Feeling tired all the time.

7. Changes in personality.

8. Sudden unexplainable illnesses.

9. Hearing voices, especially negative ones.

10. Sudden changes in habits or mood.

These symptoms, in case you haven’t noticed, are very similar to the symptoms of having a psychic vampire. (Please note that these are also the symptoms of several physical, mental, and emotional disorders that should be treated by a regular doctor, not a witch doctor.) 

How to Rid Yourself of Pesky, Cupcake-Craving Hitchhikers

Of course, we need to have any hitchhikers removed. Of course, we do. And can we do this ourselves, without paying someone an exorbitant amount of money to do it? Maybe. But according to the internet, the answer is most likely no.

Almost every site I visited made it very clear that you cannot get rid of these things on your own. It requires advanced spiritual work that you, the simple layperson, simply don’t have. Then of course these sites tell you to give them a call because they are qualified, and for a small fee, they will get that pesky, cupcake-craving, drunkard of an entity out of your elbow. 

If you truly believe you are afflicted with such a thing, then I would recommend calling a trusted energy healer and having them work on you. But before you do that, try this: Take a bath in sea salt and baking soda. It’s great for the muscles, great for detox, and great for removing blah energy. Because once again, this is what we’re talking about: removing or transmuting negative-feeling energy. Burn some sage, and have a talk with your elbow-inhabiting uninvited guest. Ask, “Who are you? What is your purpose here?” and then tell it in no uncertain terms, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

I do believe in ghosts as you know, and I find this technique the most helpful when you want a ghostie to leave the house. Confront them, and ask them to leave. Now, let’s say this doesn’t work, and you still really feel like someone is plaguing you. Then I would call a witch doctor. But it really should not be overlooked that some of these symptoms are indications of very serious problems. You should always see a healthcare professional concurrently with your witch doctor.