The Joys of Having a Relationship with a Life-Sucking Vampire by Kirsten Langston | The Collective by Third Eye Champagne

The Joys of Having a Relationship with a Life-Sucking Vampire by Kirsten Langston

Written by: Kirsten Langston Published on: October 6, 2021

“There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all light.” —Van Helsing in Bram Stoker’s Dracula 

A vampire is someone who usually professes to be your friend. Spoiler Alert: They aren’t.

I had a friend a long time ago, and she was great, really sweet, and fun. We always had a good time together, but I’d leave her feeling like I’d just run a triathlon. I couldn’t understand why. She seemed to just suck the positivity and energy right out of me. This is why we call these types of people vampires.

Now, there are some psychic practitioners and healers that will tell you that she did drain me of energy. They would say she put some kind of psychic hook in me and just took everything she could. I have a hard time subscribing to this theory. Yes, I’m an intuitive who’s had some very strange experiences, but it takes a lot for me to start drinking the Kool-Aid. I prefer to look at what I can see, hear, and touch, first; and then if I don’t find a satisfactory explanation, I start looking at alternative theories.

It got to the point that after I would hang out with this woman, I would come home exhausted and sleep for twelve hours afterward. Sometimes I would even get a cold or a flu bug directly after as well. Something was going on. I started to pay attention to her when we were hanging out and realized it wasn’t all fun times and laughter; it just seemed to be. 

Beneath all the “fun,” she was running a hard edge.

I began to notice little barbs she would fling at me when I wasn’t expecting it. 

We would be having a great time. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Fun. Fun. Fun. “Too bad you couldn’t lose all that weight!” she said. Laugh. Laugh. Fun. Fun. I realized her words were taking a toll on me, and I didn’t even realize it. 

She also said a LOT of negative stuff in a laughing and upbeat way. “Hahahahaha! I can’t get out of bed in the morning! Hahahaha! Life is a terrible, meaningless thing, LOL!”

Then I started paying attention to her texts. At least once a week, she sent a link to awful news articles about suicide bombers, sick kids, or hurt animals. I finally realized, this woman was a vortex of awfulness and negativity.

The constant assault of nasty, negative comments and news articles was draining me.

She was a vampire. And she wasn’t the only one in my life. I had a few others.

The “Help Me” Vampire

The “help me” vampire is a person ALWAYS in crisis. Always. There is a fresh drama every week, if not every day. Everything is urgent and must be handled immediately. Help me, help me! No one will help me; I need you. News flash: No one will help you anymore because you’ve sucked everyone dry. These dramas are usually manufactured by the “victim” and laid at your feet like it’s your problem. In fact, these vampires can make a lot of poor choices: 

I threw all the china at my boyfriend’s head, and he left me. I don’t know why, and I want him back.

I drove drunk, got caught, and now owe my mom the bail money, but I don’t have it.

I slept with a person I barely knew, didn’t use a condom, and now I think I have an STD.

Please note, every “crisis” here was completely preventable.

The “Victim” Vampire

Then there’s the “I have the same problem over and over, and I refuse to do anything about it, but I’m still going to call you up, bitch about it, and try to drag you into it” vampire. You know this one too. They have the same problem over and over. They call you, either crying or drunk, and spill a variation of the same story you’ve been hearing for YEARS. You listen, offer solutions, and comfort. They make a shaky resolution to finally do something about this! Don’t hold your breath. You’ll hear about the same drama over and over:

My roommate came home and made a huge mess. I found cocaine in his room, and we fight all the time. His friends are all loud and hang out here all the time. I can’t take it anymore! Can I stay at your house tonight?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: You’ve had the same roomie for five years. You’ve signed a lease with him every year. You haven’t looked for a new place to live, and you haven’t asked him to leave. You call me at least once a month crying and complaining, and you never do anything about it. The next time this happens, call someone else.

The “I Need a Favor” Vampire

There’s also the “I need a favor even though I never do anything for you” vampire. You no doubt know this one too. This is the person who calls you only when they want something from you. Otherwise, you never see them. You have on occasion called them for help, and they are either busy or don’t even bother to answer the phone. And when they do call you, they have the best explanations:

I’ve tried everyone I know, and they are all busy. I’m in a real jam, and I can’t miss this doctor appointment. Can you watch Martha for a few hours?

I wouldn’t even ask because I know how busy you are, but my husband is out of town, a pipe burst in my basement, and I’m swamped at work.

I hate to trouble you, but everyone else with a car is at work, and I can’t afford an Uber. 

I wouldn’t bother you, but Timmy threw up everywhere and has a high fever, and the normal babysitter dropped dead this very morning. 

Could you please help me? There was a small kitchen fire, and Jaime is allergic to peanuts. I’ll never ask for anything again ever. 

They make the situation sound like it has never happened before and will never happen again. And of course, they know they are putting you out, but they can’t seem to avoid it. And they are always SO GRATEFUL, aren’t they?

The “Romantic” Vampire

The “romantic” vampire is the worst of all. This person sucks you dry on every level. This is a person who enjoys the power they have over you. They suck up your love, your desire for them, your care and comfort, and all the goodies you have to offer, but they never seem to give back in the same way. 

This is the type of person that wants a blow job every week, but only returns the favor on bank holidays.

They will eat the food you cook and coo over the diamonds you buy them without giving anything in return. They leave their clothes on the floor, drag you to places they know you hate, and are never into the relationship as much as you are. 

It feels like you are throwing your love down a bottomless pit. Just when you’ve had enough and are ready to leave, they bust out something to keep you there. These vampires have an innate sense for when their partner is getting sick of their half-assed crap and then do something sweet. These vampires like to surprise you with thoughtful gifts to keep you in their thrall:

Remember how you’ve been wanting to go to Paris for five years? Well, I just bought tickets.

No, no, you rest. I’m buying you dinner tonight. We’re getting your favorite.

I saw this in the window and knew you just had to have it.

Cut to you thinking, I’ve been too hard on Nosferatu. They’ve really come through for me this time. I need to cut them some slack. They really do care; they are just bad at expressing it. No, they’re a dick. You’re with a dick.

Vampires suck us dry, and most of the time, we don’t even realize what is happening. The next time you feel icky, drained, depressed, or weird after interacting with someone, it’s possible you’re dealing with a vampire.