Which Royalty Free Sexy Halloween Costume are You, Based on Your Horoscope? by Aspen Drake

Written by: Aspen Drake Published on: October 19, 2021

Listen, it’s been a hard year (years?) for a lot of folks. Much like Spirit Halloween, I can’t afford to bring you all of the trademarked content you know and love. We’re going with good old-fashioned unlicensed costumes for our Halloween content this year! 

Worry not, the stock photos are also royalty-free and were acquired through the proper avenues because I SUPPORT ARTISTS….and mostly because I can’t take the heat of a cease and desist right now. 

So, let us cast our minds back and enjoy a simpler time together: when the range of costume options were lower, and we weren’t obligated as a society to pretend to be excited for 10 more years of Marvel movies.

Aries – Black Cat 

Meeooww! We’re starting this list off with a timeless classic. Kitty’s got claws, so try to stay out of any catfights at this year’s Halloween get-together. Just don’t go meowing up the wrong tree, you might get stuck. Which wont be too bad if a sexy fireman comes along to help out.

Taurus – Candy Corn Witch

Now, I’m sure most folks reading this article are witches of some form, this is The Collective after all! You just so happen to add a little extra sweetness to your witching. You can also be a little corny, but that never hurt anyone. Just a bit of an acquired taste!

Gemini – Butterfly

Aha, I bet you were expecting the classic “angel/devil” cop-out! Fear, not Gem, as a twin myself, I know this stereotype well and see right past it. This costume is gorgeous and I couldn’t NOT include it in this article. I may be acting out of bias by giving it to Gemini, but let’s put it this way, Geminis are masters of transformation. Adaptability is a strength, and we have it in aces. We also don’t mind catching the eyes of others when in the right spotlight. (Plus Butterfly, Gemini – it rhymes. Meant to be.)

Cancer – Nurse 

People turn to you to fix problems. Or you like to think they do. Whether you are packing hand sanitizer and snacks for the night out or hosting a Halloween home party, don’t forget to take care of yourself too. Listen to your heart (and your ass, apparently). (Also, I’m aware that I put the words “Cancer” and “nurse” together…we are just going to move past that. Go, go.)

Leo – Vampire 

Had to throw a guy up on here, cause men can be sexy too! Just focus on not sucking the life out of any parties in this costume. You can assume what kind of sucking I will endorse, as this series is called Sexscopes. I’ll let you figure that one out. This may be news to you Leo, but less actually is more. Less clothes, more opportunities to show off that undead would-be corpse (and give a presentation about anatomy I guess?).

Virgo – Bumble bee*

The term busy bee is no exaggeration. There is a whole class of bees classified as worker bees! They have pollen to collect and nurseries to build. While you’re buzzing around the party making sure people are filled up on nectar and have their buzz on, don’t forget to stop and smell the roses.

Libra – Little Miss Muffet  

I couldn’t tell you what a tuffet is…or what curds and whey consist of, to be honest. That said, I know you’ll be looking cute as a button in this nursery rhyme outfit. What’s more Libra than the school-girlesque combination of cute and innocent, but also naughty? It’s all about balance. Also, that spider is harmless.

Scorpio – Spider 

You have a web of networks bringing you information from all over. It’s almost like you have multiple pairs of eyes. In reality, this is less like Sherlock Holmes’ underground network of informants and more like you social media stalking your crush, BUT OTHER PEOPLE DON’T NEED TO KNOW THAT. We’ll keep up your mysterious facade, just please stop scaring Mrs. Muffet.

Sagittarius – Zombie 

Brainssss. Always on the hunt for brainssss. Seriously, can anyone at this party hold a decent conversation? Zombies may be slow, but your wit is quick. Like World War Z quick. Sometimes it may feel like everyone else around you is Walking Dead. Give folks a break, it’s been a rough…life. You don’t have to worry about shit like that anymore. Not alive, not dead, just vibing.

Capricorn – Referee 

If you see this and think “aw, lame…I don’t even like sports”, worry not, same here. This is more about the symbolism of the ‘stume. You are the one calling the shots here! As long as your love interests don’t get yellow carded, they are sure to score (am I doing the sports analogy thing right?).

Aquarius – Steampunk  

Ah yes, a steampunk amalgamation. People may fault you for trying to keep certain trends alive, but you are just being true to you! Besides, those fools have clearly never been to the niche festivals or conventions you frequent. People get laid at Ren fairs like crazy. Keep being you, just don’t forget some lube to keep those wheels greased.

Pisces – Sailor 

Whether sailing the seas of introspection or on the hunt for some booty, a nautical-inspired fit will be perfect for your Halloween plans this year. Just don’t get called in by someone’s siren song if the sea is looking a bit stormy. Enjoy some grog and tall tales with your shipmates, perhaps a run-in with a mermaid or promotion to first mate is in the stars.  

*Oh hello Hasbro and Paramount legal teams, I am indeed referring to the insect, NOT your intellectual property sentient vehicle warrior. Last time I checked, insects and their titles were public domain. You can move along now.

Aspen Drake

Aspen is a Dallas-born, California-raised writer who currently resides in Austin, Texas. When not day jobbing, Aspen is writing and performing comedy, and creating very specific playlists on Spotify. In true Gemini fashion, she is always trying out different vehicles of communication and expression. You can check out her most recent posts on Instagram at @asp_hole